Beep

People can piss you off sometimes. Like if they make a really bad joke, and then explain it to you, assuming that you’re not doubled up in laughter simply because you’re too stupid to GET the joke. Or if they pick fights with you just because they're bored, or irritate you to watch your face turn purple in rage.

At times like these, you have this incredible urge to lash out, to pour out a string of words that aren’t normally used in civilised conversation. And yes, it’s a wonderful technique to calm yourself down, because by this time, your opponent has turned violet and is getting geared up to fire back.

Yet more often that not, you land up in trouble, probably because of the appalling nature of the words you have carefully chosen to initiate the endless fight. Due to my desire to maintain a family rating on this blog, I shall refrain from mentioning the words you normally use. Instead, I present to you the perfect solution to all your problems.

Monkey bum.

No, a monkeys bum is not the solution. Perhaps I should be a tad more clear.

You have to admit that when you first saw “monkey bum” on the screen, you were inclined to go “pfft, who are you to talk porcupine nose!”. But in fact, I have a very nice nose. Its small, and proper, and...wait, I’m drifting. Where were we?

So, the trick with insults such as these is to make them really ridiculous. For those who don’t have the imagination to come up with anything particularly irritating, here is a simple method.

Take up a random animal, and add a funny body part to it.

Voila, you have..

Armadillo eyelashes
Anteaters nostril hair
Zebras toenails
Frogs belly

Of course, if you’re afraid that you might be considered a little too immature by your peers(bah! coward!) theres always the less radical translation approach. For this, you need to have some grasp of the Tamil language.

You can call a really tall person “coconut tree”. Or an idiot a “woodhead” or a “mangohead”. Basically, you’re translating common abusive phrases used in tamil into english, though if you’re going to call an idiot “woodhead”, you’ll probably have to explain the insult to him, which might spoil the entire purpose of insulting him in the first place.

But hey, you get the idea. And the possibilities are endless! So go on, get out there and do some serious beeping.