Beep

People can piss you off sometimes. Like if they make a really bad joke, and then explain it to you, assuming that you’re not doubled up in laughter simply because you’re too stupid to GET the joke. Or if they pick fights with you just because they're bored, or irritate you to watch your face turn purple in rage.

At times like these, you have this incredible urge to lash out, to pour out a string of words that aren’t normally used in civilised conversation. And yes, it’s a wonderful technique to calm yourself down, because by this time, your opponent has turned violet and is getting geared up to fire back.

Yet more often that not, you land up in trouble, probably because of the appalling nature of the words you have carefully chosen to initiate the endless fight. Due to my desire to maintain a family rating on this blog, I shall refrain from mentioning the words you normally use. Instead, I present to you the perfect solution to all your problems.

Monkey bum.

No, a monkeys bum is not the solution. Perhaps I should be a tad more clear.

You have to admit that when you first saw “monkey bum” on the screen, you were inclined to go “pfft, who are you to talk porcupine nose!”. But in fact, I have a very nice nose. Its small, and proper, and...wait, I’m drifting. Where were we?

So, the trick with insults such as these is to make them really ridiculous. For those who don’t have the imagination to come up with anything particularly irritating, here is a simple method.

Take up a random animal, and add a funny body part to it.

Voila, you have..

Armadillo eyelashes
Anteaters nostril hair
Zebras toenails
Frogs belly

Of course, if you’re afraid that you might be considered a little too immature by your peers(bah! coward!) theres always the less radical translation approach. For this, you need to have some grasp of the Tamil language.

You can call a really tall person “coconut tree”. Or an idiot a “woodhead” or a “mangohead”. Basically, you’re translating common abusive phrases used in tamil into english, though if you’re going to call an idiot “woodhead”, you’ll probably have to explain the insult to him, which might spoil the entire purpose of insulting him in the first place.

But hey, you get the idea. And the possibilities are endless! So go on, get out there and do some serious beeping.

Money money money, must be funny

I woke up yesterday with this incredible urge to change something. The problem was that I didn’t really know WHAT I wanted to change, but frivolous details like that couldn’t deter me as I went about trying to come up with a plan.

Biting my lip and looking around the room, careful to avoid the untidy pile of books in the corner in case my conscience felt like pricking me into cleaning it up, I saw my desk, and thats when inspiration struck.

I got my own room only a year back, and before that, being the younger kid, I never really had a say as far as decoration was concerned. Which basically means the only thing I got to decide was how the books would be arranged in my cupboard.

But now, I realised that even though I COULD do exactly as I pleased, I hadnt really exercised that option yet. A vase full of gorgeous flowers in a corner of the desk sounded quite appealing, so grabbing my wallet, I pranced happily to the florists.

Beaming at the man there, I asked for daisies, and orchids, and red roses. The initial smile that he had plastered on his face slowly washed off, as he tried to imagine the hideousness of my request. But I take pride in my ability to cheer people up, because that fake smile came right back on as he handed me the bill. This time, it was MY turn to carry out the wash off routine.

Me:A 100 bucks???! Isn’t that a little too much for a few flowers?

Fake Smiler: No, Paapa, it’s the orchids. They are very expensive

Me:(A little stiffly now, and trying to sound older) Um...ok. So leave 3 and take away the rest.

Fake smiler: Its Rs. 80 now. There are too many roses

Me:(Scowling visibly now)Sigh...fine. So give me as many as you can for 40.

I came back home with a sad little bunch of daisies, and a woebegone look on my face. The condescending world out there has no heart for a poor 17 year old.

Sigh..next time, I’m buying potpourri.

I remember, I remember

Yes, I know its probably because I'm neither here nor there right now, that my mind is flooded with memories of school days. Perhaps its the fact that I am stepping into the unknown, and I'm trying desperately to hold on to something, anything, thats familiar.

Whatever it is, I hope a good healthy swig of reminiscence does the trick, so here goes.

We've had our share of clowns in our class. You know the type don't you? I'm referring to the ones who will insist that they are intrigued by that essay competition entitled "My Daddy is the Best", and will make you stand in front of the board for 15 minutes, screeching bloody murder if you try to rub it off.

They're also a part of the "hyuk hyuk" gang. This is a close knit group that comes up with jokes that make you want to rip off your hand just so that you'll have something to throw at them.

To quote a few memorable ones(courtesy of paddy)
Q. Why is steady current holy?
A. It is st. eddy current

Q. Why is a current carrying conductor expensive?
A. It comes with a BIL

The voice of our class was Bk, a guy who gets a thrill out of bellowing notes from Pradeeps, while the class politely requests that he please fall off a bulding, or have the book stuffed down his throat.

Timepass for our class? Hand tennis of course! Jumping over desks, and sometimes even people, as we rushed to the back, to fiercely fight for our turns, leaving a few poor souls the job of 'watchman'. Scrambling back to our places the minute a warning was shouted, and cursing and planning grotesque deaths for the sadistic smart alecs who'd give false alarms.

DumbC matches, feeding the other team names like "Shakespeare and Frankensteins High School reunion" and "Lactocalamine lotion", which to their credit they did successfully act out, even if they didn't realise that we made them up.

The Annual Day, the culturals, a lot of hard work, a lot of mishaps, but both turned out to be pretty darn good in the end.

I'm left wondering how the time flew by so quickly. It seems like I entered our 11th classroom for the first time just yesterday, and now its all over.

But hey, thanks for the memories.

And what do you know?! I do feel better now.

You've got me spinning

Have you noticed how its only when you have something really important, that simply HAS to be done, that you come up with the most bizarre ways of wasting your time? But the bizarreness of your bizarre idea doesnt really strike you till you're midway through the task, and you suddenly find yourself in front of the stove melting wax, or on the floor spinning bangles, counting the seconds for which the heavier bangle spins. And thats just when someone walks into the room, and while u watch the bangle tinkle to a stop, feeling their eyes bore into your neck, you shake your head thoughtfully, and say "Sigh, it all ends one day".

No? You've never done that?

...

Um me neither! I was just checking thats all!